Located roughly 2.5 hours from Las Vegas in the Southwest corner of Utah, Zion National Park is one of the most visited parks in the country. Originally inhabited by Native Americans who called the area “Mukuntuweap” (which means “straight canyon”) the area was eventually taken over by migrant Mormon farmers who gave it the much more imaginative name of “Zion” (a biblical place of a peace and refuge).

However, as part of the then American tradition of kicking Mormons out of places, President Howard Taft- best known for being a more boring version of Theodore Roosevelt- established the area as a protected National Monument in 1909, adding further insult to the settlers by restoring the original name of Mukuntuweap. 10 years of disputes between the original Mormon settlers and the Federal Government would follow, until finally the area was made the 16th National Park in 1919, once again under the name “Zion”

Today, the park has been transformed into an odd Disneyland like resort, with multiple gift shops, restaurants, and craft breweries located throughout the park. I would guess that in a few years, there might even be a few Rangers dressed in Bear and Mountain Lion costumes.

Also, due to the amount of food within the park and the general naiveté of tourists, native squirrels and chipmunks have been transformed into massive, fearless beings that will aggressively hunt for food in tourist’s backpacks. I had the odd experience of witnessing one of these mutant squirrels run off with an entire candy bar it stole from a woman’s purse.

Central to the park, is an area called “Zion Canyon,” a massive desert oasis split in half by the winding Virgin River and surrounded on both sides by miles of green trees:

Currently, the only way in and out of Zion Canyon is via a 9-stop Park Shuttle, so braving the 90+ degree heat, I hopped on the shuttle and headed to my first big hike, called “Angels Landing.”

Once infamous due to the amount of people who have fallen to their deaths from it, Angels Landing has become the most popular hike in Zion. Although only 2.5 miles in length with 1500 feet in elevation gain, progress is slow and painful, and I would later nickname the first 2 miles as “Switchback Hell” due to the absurd number of switchbacks on the trail:

I also had made the critical mistake of devouring a child-sized chicken and bean burrito before starting this hike and about halfway up the trail I started to feel like an overcooked baked potato. Meanwhile, an old lady ahead of me was joyfully springing up the mountain like a baby goat, uttering such inspiring phrases like “I think there’s only like 7 or 8 more switchbacks after this.”

Roughly one-hundred switchbacks, five exclamations of “God damn burrito” and one hour later, I reached the beginning of the unique part of the hike, which involves walking up and down a narrow ridgeline, using a metal chain anchored into the mountain as a climbing rope. Although this portion of the hike is only .5 miles, it was extremely slow going, both due to the steepness and the fact the elderly man in front of me smelled like he had a barrel of leaking radiation in his stomach.

Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime of hiking, I reached the top of Angels Landing- once thought so high that only Angels could reach it:

——————-End of Day 1—————-

On Day number 2, I switched out my hiking gear for a bathing suits and headed into the area of the park known now as “The Narrows.”

If Zion is Disneyland, then the Narrows is its Water Park. Starting and ending at the point where the Virgin River cuts through Zion Canyon, The assortment of people gathered here is staggering, from bikini clad women sunbathing on rocks to small children floating down river on floaties, to serious backpackers with high end water wading gear fighting their way up river. The majority of people hike the river “bottom up” which is only a 5-mile loop; however, for the masochists out there, a shuttle can be arranged to the top-down section, which is 16-miles one way.

The main challenge with hiking the Narrows isn’t so much the distance, but the terrain: the vast majority of the hike involves wading through sun-block and sweat stained river water that can be as high as waist deep. The ground under the water is 100% made up of rocks, so hikers not wearing closed toed shoes will likely need a significant pedicure at the end of the hike. Also- people savvier than Daniel and I thought ahead and rented giant wooden walking sticks- I would recommend this route, as frequently we would find that the river would abruptly drop a full foot without warning.

The Narrows also requires a good degree of patience: the going is slow and we found the scenery for the first hour to be of the “copy and paste” variety (i.e. the same shit over and over again). I grew particularly fond of gesturing forwards and informing other tourists that “there’s more water and rock ahead!” They were not amused.

Eventually, the Narrows does in fact live up to its name and become narrow, forming a beautiful slot canyon:

—————-Summary—————

Zion as a park is beautiful, easily accessible, and fantastic for day hiking. From our experience, the hikes within the Canyon can be done easily on a two-day trip; however, it’s worth noting that Zion has some impressive “Wilderness” areas that can only be reached by backpacking and camping- so it may be worth a few extra days to visit those.

I am onto Bryce Canyon- so long for now!

-Bobcat Burke